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Ghost Mall
Ghost Mall is set to take place on September 7th, 2019. Card Prepare for MALLMAGEDDON! It's HALF-PRICE OFF PARTY VIOLENCE! The FINAL SALE now manifests: The Valkyries vs. The Dumpster Babes {Cs} ****** BFF Championship! Who will be the BEST FRIENDS in PWR? Will it be our current champions -- the wedded wastelords -- the DUMPSTER BABES? Or can their winged, ancient challengers -- the emissaries of WORMHALLA -- prove their FRIEND-METTLE?! Ralph Macchiatto vs. Sprida ****** The BEVERAGE BATTLE! Ralph Macchiato: a coffee crusader intent on judging the palates of the masses! Sprida: PWR's refreshing, citrus hero! We all know that adding soda to coffee tastes nasty. But what happens to a DRINK DIFFERED? Does it wither like a lemon-lime in the sun?... OR DOES IT DRINKSPLODE?! The Judgement of the Food Court ****** Hungry from all this retail rumbling?! Grab a bite of LEGAL DRAMA! Orange Julius Caesar Salad has subpoenaed the PRIMO FAMILY (Luigi Primo, Olive and Anchovius) to COURTROOM COMBAT! The prosecutors? The enchantress Circe, her hog-minion Marcus Arugulas, and a mysterious executioner! Get ready to PLEAD THE FIST! Pastaman vs. Hot Dog {C} ****** Pastaman is a young spaghetti homunculus. Hot Dog is an itinerant crustpunk and PWR's Garbageweight champion. These two now lock together -- like ramen with chunks of dumpstered vegan sausages -- to determine whether MANGA is good! Arbitro Obscuro vs. Dock Master {C} ****** PWR's Necroweight Champion, DOCK MASTER, continues his inexplicable reign of terror. What lurks behind the stone features and leering grin of Canada's greatest longshoreman? The stalwart scion of justice, Arbitro Obscuro, must embark on a quest to get his friend back, and to break the power of the NECROWEIGHT BELT! ~~~~PARTYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH~~~~ Big Daddy Bolero {C} vs. Alexandra Cage ****** SHOPPING FOR VENGEANCE! Big Daddy Bolero's in-ring-tactics are controversial, and his business dealings? Inexcusable! But he's the champion! The Eastside of the Multiverse has been consumed in his smog, and the tendrils of DALLAS threaten to poison the very GHOST MALL! Alexandra Cage, The RADICAL ENFORCER OF PARTY RESISTANCE, now hoists her baseball bat -- the one called "REVENGE!" She lost to BDB once, and swore he would pay for cheating his way to victory. For BDB, the Ghost Mall sale is over. Cage is coming to collect what he owes...with interest! Plus: Gary the Goat in Action - after losing one of his horns, Gary is extremely down on his luck. Even sad Goats need DEALS, though, so we hope to see him at the Mall! ...Plus Much More! Post Show Write Up The Mall Comes to Life--Friendships Proven and Enemies Made--Flames of Vengeance Stoked ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The GHOST MALL has disappeared. The wraiths of loitering teens and the revenants of Circuit City and Gadzooks have melted into the night like Dippin' Dots left at room temperature. Big Daddy Bolero has claimed another stretch of property, and our spirits cry out -- furious but unstoppable. Did it even really happen? Were we actually in that abandoned spirit plaza? Did we drift over the incense-scented corridors and upon Escher-esque escalators? HELL RIGHT, WE DID! We'll never forget the lessons of GHOST MALL -- of SPIRITUAL, DESOLATED CONSUMERISM, RAVAGED IN THE NAME OF PARTYING! At the end of the night, Alexandra Cage was poised to win the PARTYWEIGHT TITLE from the Highland Park Pillager: Big Daddy Bolero. A rhythmic cheer arose with each of her avenging strikes, and the cloud of DALLAS TYRANNY seemed to be dissolving...but let's go back to the beginning! *********************** *********************** Haunted Photo Booth Claims 3 Victims, Livens Them ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We began our journey into this cursed shopping center in the foyer...where 2 vloggers were taking the ABANDONED MALL CHALLENGE!! Their incredulity turned to terror as the GHOSTS OF BRICK AND MORTAR STORES descended upon them! The photobooth that offered them brief surcease soon spat them out -- transformed -- into mall goths! And what’s more, it spat out #1 SKELETON AND ACCLAIMED AUTHOR*, TIMMY QUIVERS! *********************** Ralph Macchiato Def. Sprida, Unleashes Darkness Within ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In our first match of the night, cruel barista RALPH MACCHIATO sought to establish a new COFFEE KIOSK in the mall-zone! Sprida took umbrage to this, and hot drink battled cold once more. Refreshing, effervescent frenzy clashed with its boiling, caffeinated nemesis! To defeat Ralph, Sprida plunged into the DARK-ROASTED depths of his own soul. The goodness of Sprida prevailed, and this merciful moment was capitalized on by Ralph. It was Sprida who was quenched, this time! *********************** The Valkyries Defeat Dumpster Babes {C}, become BFF Champs ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Next, we checked in with the Valkyries! The winged emissaries of Wormhalla, in their search for the greatest warriors, challenged the DUMPSTER BABES for their BFF titles! The ancient warriorship and ruthless aggressiveness of the Valkyries soon outshone the the champs! But the Babes had an Ace -- they used the power of the BFF belts to summon a giant baby man (their son), who in turn called forth unspeakable golems from deep within him! When things couldn’t get any nastier, the spirit of cleanliness was COUNTER SUMMONED from Wormhalla: Scrubby Bubby! He disinfected the interference, leaving a 2-on-2 battle. With the Valkyries staring down weaponized toilet seats, their friendship allowed them to gain a slim margin against the babes, and they hit the SOUL RECLAMATION on Babyface -- grabbing the pin. We had crowned new BFF Champions! *********************** Alexandra Cage challenges BDB to a SPECIAL STIPULATION MATCH ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Our Partyweight Champion now took the stage. The man from HIGHLAND PARK, DALLAS hoisted both his belt -- and barbed threats -- at the championship contender, Alexandra Cage! But she had more than threats for BDB. She let him know the details of what was in store: a NO-DQ, FALLS (pins) COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH! She sealed deal with a SPIN KICK to the high chest of Bolero! Reeling, he stumbled off into the mall-night. *********************** Simon Maul Def. Gary, but Trampled by the Stable ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Footlocker was the next locale to corporealize in the ring. Gary the G.O.A.T staggered in, hungry for shoes, but noticeably weary and sad. A haunted fountain then sprung to life -- along with a couple of manikins -- and attacked! SIMON MAUL was here! This mall god goaded Gary into fighting, and fierce battle raged between the Goat and the taunting mallnifestation! GARY simply wasn’t recharged enough to overcome this challenge, though, and Simon beat Gary with his OWN GOAT SPLASH FINISHER! Was that the end? No! A being was called forth to cut off Gary’s other horn: BENCH HORSE. In a wild twist of fate, the horse turned on Simon and her manikins, wrecked them with his power, and the STABLE WAS REFORMED! GOAT and HORSE would be HOMIES ONCE MORE! *********************** Hot Dog {C} def. Pastaman, retains Garbageweight Title ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What then? Here’s what: Everyone thrilled at the return of PASTAMAN! His recent obsession with anime had developed into a mystical, unified theorem for life on earth. But PWR’s GARBAGEWEIGHT CHAMPION, HOT DOG, burst onto the scene to stop Pastaman’s otaku ritual. The two clashed in a confrontation whose power rivaled Shishio and Kenshin’s epic final confrontation! After the destruction of wall scrolls, body pillows, a buster sword, and several volumes of manga, HOT DOG had turned the ring into a thorough trash-pile: HIS DOMAIN! This gave him the advantage, and he was able to stunner Pastaman and grab a win, defending his TITLE OF TRASH! Had Pastaman learned his lesson about moderating his hobbies? Only time will tell! *********************** Puggin’Head def. Bull DeCroix, Hit by Train ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PWR has had several Partyweight Champions, and our current FORMER CHAMPION is Puggin’Head! Our favorite tiny boy-wrestler had a simple quest: to ride the SMALL TRAIN AT THE MALL! But Bull DeCroix, eternal enforcer of TRAIN LAW, wouldn’t let him! A match was imminent! Bull’s massive frame was somehow pinned to the mat by a roll-up from our wiley, felt-covered friend. Puggy had done it! It was time to ride the train, and ride it, a choo choo! But we recoiled in horror as this train ride went south...Bull, furious at his loss, tied Puggy to the tracks and ran him down with the very train he sought to ride! Puggy’s injuries are being assessed, and we will keep you posted with his condition, as well as disciplinary actions levied against Bull! *********************** Case Dismissed: Primo Family def. The Food Court ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Circe, mistress of Hogs! Marcus Arugulus: her werehog enforcer! Severian of the Guild of Janitors: her hand of justice! These were judge, judy and executioner in the trial of the century! Luigi, Olive and Anchovius had been subpoenaed to stand trial for MAKING BAD PIZZA. The Primos obviously plead innocent to this charge, and the courtroom drama turned into wrestling action! After Olive was forced to witness her kin destroyed in a blender by Circe, Luigi pulled his family away from the brink of disaster with a battery of Italian-style offense. It took a final mad dash from every Primo family member -- including a dive to the floor from Anchovius -- and amidst the sundered bodies of nearly everyone, the case was ruled in their favor! *********************** Dock Master {C} Defeats Arbitro Obscuro, ret. Necroweight Title ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wisps of vape smoke floated past us...were they from the juul of a wayward arcade-lurker? No...they were from the mouth of DOCK MASTER, the NECROWEIGHT CHAMPION! His friend Arbitro Obscuro pleaded with him to relinquish the sorcerous Necrobelt. Predictably, they couldn’t reach an agreement verbally. PARTY VIOLENCE was the answer -- and what party violence! Never before had Arbitro given more of himself in a match. He flung his body like a weapon while simultaneously acting with utter solemnity as the referee! Like the waves of the sea that Dock Master once protected, Arbitro KEPT CRASHING DOWN! But mistiming his FINAL DECISION gave Dock Master the latitude to set up the BLUENOSE, and all hope was lost. The Necrobelt continued to breathe out dense coils of hellish mist from the waste of the wayward once-hero. *********************** Sweetie Tuff def. Skip Rathbone, Learns Truth ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This tragedy segued to another; Sweetie Tuff related the story of Crybaby’s death. The loss of their companion had left Sweetie frenzied, scoured of color and hungry for the blood of SKIP RATHBONE. Skip made his blood available, but at a price. Sweetie Tuff would have to wager their own life in a typical spin-the-wheel torture game! The cyborg gameshow host and the grieving nymph traded devastating blows as the wheel spun again and again, raising the stakes each time! When the rules swung to Sweetie’s favor, they were quick to cinch in the Triforce Lock: tapping out their opponent! Brutalized into submission, Skip revealed the truth... *********************** The Fate of the Mall: Big Daddy Bolero {C} def. Alexandra Cage, retains Title ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A GRUDGE MATCH now loomed large, and Alexandra Cage did not wait to tackle her opponent, tossing him out of the ring and pummeling him with pans, hands, and the RING ITSELF! He had no way to break the rules, no way to cheat his way out! But after his shock wore off, BDB’s cunning went into top gear, and he returned Cage’s offense! The two brawled their way all around 4th Tap: they smashed heads against kegs, bodies against the fridge, and faces against the floor! When they finally re-entered the ring, both competitors looked equally trashed. It was only a pair of handcuffs, proffered by Ralph Macchiato, that allowed Bolero to gain the advantage. But not even this could stop Cage! She broke the cuffs and stood poised to win the title! She didn't, though -- Bolero had figured out a way to cheat, even in a match with no rules. He spit a great mist of beer into Cage’s eyes, and delivered a kick to her face. *********************** After retaining his title, Big Daddy Bolero positioned a chair on Cage’s neck, seeking to permanently injure her. But Sweetie Tuff appeared, looking for vengeance against the man who had inadvertently caused Crybaby’s death. Sweetie sent BDB running, and turned out Ralph's lights with a superkick. Though neither Cage nor Sweetie had found the revenge they wanted, both stood in the middle of the ring, their friendship unbroken. Alexandra Cage held her hand and head high. *********************** The Ghost Mall fades away, and will likely be developed into a new branch of the Domain. But despite the hellish plans of awful men, the TRVE FELLOWSHIP OF PARTY VIOLENCE perseveres. The mall’s physical part is gone. But its soul is made of many tiny stores that pulse like stars, flitter away like spirits and rekindle like memories. These are our memories, now. Hail Mother Worm. See you December 7th, for Winter Wonderslam VI! #Chompis *Health Justice Now!, available at fine booksellers and online Category:Show